Author: blogger
While some people can immediately identify a person with whom they would never be compatible, many suffer from low self-esteem and end up changing their own personalities, wants and actions to fit their partner. It is true that almost any successful relationship requires a certain amount of flexibility and compromise; but if a person is required to alter themselves greatly in order to maintain the relationship often something is wrong. The changes that occur in many of these cases can be so subtle and over such a great length of time, that often the people changing are unaware of how different they have become.
In order to understand how a person can be involved in such a relationship, it is important to remember that many of the people who experience this had a problem before the relationship began:
Insecurity: Many people in our society suffer from one form of insecurity or another; abnormal physical traits; lack of proper education; difficulty with communication and poor support network are just a few of the causes of such feelings. In order to have a strong enough sense of self that a person would never allow themselves to be overhauled by another person they must, for the most part, like who they are. The image that many people have of themselves is a very poor one and this makes it easy for others to prey upon their weakness. Unfortunately, in many cases, the addition of a stronger partner allows the more insecure person to hang all of their self esteem on the fact that their partner would have them; this is not a healthy way to depend on another person for support and in most cases will lead to disaster as it does not usually help to create strength and confidence.
Psychological Damage: A problem that often stems from an abusive relationship, a damaged psyche makes for an excellent weakness for others to prey on. We have heard this referenced many times in society by referring to the ugly duckling syndrome i.e. a person who once thought of them self as unattractive and became so used to dealing with this poor self image that when they became more attractive, by society’s standards, they did not act in the normal way an attractive person would. This by many people’s definition is an attractive person who retains a poor self image; therefore the person will have lower standards when it comes to dating. Many different types of trauma can cause a person to feel unworthy of attention and react in an unhealthy way when it received; this makes a perfect breeding ground for people who are looking for a person that they can control in a relationship; because they lack the self esteem to refuse.
Not all one-sided relationships are obvious or extreme, in fact more often the problems are numerous but very subtle. This can create an underlying feeling that something is wrong with the relationship, though many people struggle to understand exactly what that problem is. There are a few large and regular parts of relationships that are reoccurring and therefore when dominated can create an ongoing problem:
Where you live: In relationships where one person is dominant evidence of this imbalance can be seen in the home they share. The more dominant person will often choose everything from wall paint to major appliances; none of which seem to reflect the weaker person’s personality. To assume that dcor is an indication of such a relationship would not be completely accurate as in some cases one person does not have strong feelings about their belongings; however even those with little or no interest often have some reflection of their personality in their home.
What you do: Often in a one-sided relationship most or all of the activities the couple participates in revolve around one person. This allows for even greater destruction of the original, weaker partner and ultimately a great path to depression. Enduring this kind of change is difficult because not only does the weaker partner watch their own interests dissolve; but often they do not feel as close to the person they love as they cannot share their true desires with them.
Conversation: Whether you’re out with friends or staying at home in a relationship of this kind one partner rarely communicates what they are thinking or feeling. Often friends or relatives will notice when these changes occur because they can see a person retreating not just into themselves, but into their partner’s thoughts and feelings. Often the weaker partner will only speak when discussing issues that their partner finds interesting, giving up entirely on what they once find enjoyable or exciting.
If you have felt that any of these situations apply to your own relationship review this quick checklist to see some of the most typical points of view from those who observe this kind of behavior:
1.I always or often speak only about the things my partner is interested in.
2.I always or often only talk about my partner.
3.All or most of the things I do for fun I do with my partner.
4.All or most of things I do for fun are because of my partner.
5.If I look around my home I see little or no sign of my own taste.
6.When spending money on frivolous items they are usually for my partner.
7.My partner does most of the talking when we are together.
8.I do not often tell my partner how I feel.
9.My partner does not usually notice when something is bothering me.
10.My partner never or does not often compliment me.
11.I never feel happy/I only feel happy when my partner is giving me attention.
12.I have little or no interests outside of my relationship.
13.My partner does not often or never gives me gifts that are only for me.
14.My friends and/or family think that I have changed a lot since entering my relationship for the worse.
15.My other relationships have weakened since entering the one with my partner.
16.When asked what I want I usually look at my partner.
17.I no longer resemble who I was when I met my partner.
18.I tend to think of my partner before I ever think of myself.
19.I dress in the way my partner prefers even if I do not.
20.I no longer know what makes me, me.
If you find that any of these statements are true it might be a sign that either you need change your relationship, or you need to break it off. Enduring this kind of life is not healthy nor does it have much of a chance of making you happy. It is possible that your partner did not mean to become the dominant presence in your relationship and if brought to their attention they might be eager to help you become a stronger person. There are many different ways in which a person who finds themselves in this situation can change things, try to figure out what works best for you and take the necessary steps to make your life better.
Trust those who know you best: Outside of your relationship it is good to have at least one person with whom you can be honest and trust completely. Asking this person how they view your relationship and the changes that have occurred during the time you’ve been in it can be an excellent way to gain the insight required for change.
Perfection Reflection: Write down what you believe the basics are for an ideal relationship and see how they compare with your current one. Though no relationship is perfect and they often take a great deal of work, this should be equally divided amongst both people, not hoisted onto one.
Self Image: Begin an activity or project that has nothing to do with your partner, but is something that you are interested in. As this interest grows in something outside of your relationship you might find a little of the old you returns. Learn to like who you are and the wonderful qualities that make you unique; this may be difficult at first and might even require some changing (again,) but in the end you must be able to like yourself if you hope to remain who are.
Speak with your partner about how you feel: Whether or not you believe you can make your relationship work it is often helpful to tell your partner how you feel about the situation. Though you might not find the support you hoped for it is advisable to know where you partner stands on making you happy. Give your partner the opportunity to help you feel better about yourself and your relationship, or the very least know that they are a large part of how you ended up feeling the way that you do.
Without taking steps to reconstruct yourself in happier, healthier way you may never be able to enjoy life in or out of your relationship. Though it can be difficult to muster the courage to change your life, the knowledge that a happier you could exist might give you the strength need to take action. Good luck and much strength to all of you who are brave enough to take on the challenge.
Cheating is something that shakes relationships that are in any stage. Whether your relationship has lasted for many years or you are just in the initial stages, cheating can easily bring a lot of ‘bad blood’ between you. Although dealing with affairs can be quite challenging, you do not have to let it bring down your relationship.
Cheating is very damaging because it hits at the foundation of a relationship – trust. Cheating is a betrayal of trust irrespective of the stage at which your relationship is. While people usually think of marriage when speaking about cheating, trust is something that develops before you make the commitment. If a partner cheats before marriage, it will still be a mark of betrayal of trust.
Whether you are married or not, cheating can still take place. Does what you do feel as if you are not honest with your partner? If you feel that you need to keep what is going on from your partner then you are effectively cheating.
Whatever the case, you should understand that it is only you and your partner who can decide whether you want to strengthen your relationship or part ways. This means that you will need to discuss the issue and reach a solution that you both agree on. Maintaining a stony silence will not magically make the problem disappear, and none of you will feel any better.
If you want to deal with cheating before marriage, here are some of the measures that you should consider.
Make a decision one way or the other
It will understandably be difficult to deal with cheating, even more so if your relationship has been around for quite some time. You will need to decide whether you want to end the relationship or go on and develop a stronger bond. When cheating occurs before marriage, you can use this as a stepping stone toward building a stronger relationship. You may decide to make a stronger commitment that will make your relationship have more official grounds. This form of commitment does not necessarily have to be marriage, but it should at least be formal.
Have time for your partner
We live in a busy world where people have hectic schedules. You may be so busy with other commitments that you push your relationship to the background. You may leave just leftover time for your partner, which will strain your relationship. You should include your partner in your itinerary, scheduling time for just the two of you. When you spend quality time together, neither of you will have the time to contemplate another relationship.
Many times our self esteem can be directly related to our relationship with someone. It doesn’t matter is it’s a marriage or we are dating. We hope a relationship will bring out the best in us but sometimes we find it is the root of our issues.
We always hope to find the person we dream to be the one we will be with forever, but it does not always work out that way. There can be conflict that goes on between the couple and you have to find out what the issue is.
Is this issue something that has originated from some problem between the two of you or did one of you bring a problem from a previous relationship into the new? It can be stressful trying to find the root of the problem but it is necessary if the two of you want to resolve the problem you are having.
Reading self help books can help you understand how to use different techniques to fix your relationship. It may not be easy to fix things, but if the two of you are really in love you should be making an all out effort.
If your relationship has been a strong one, you should have a good partner to help overcome problems you may have brought to your new relationship. They should be willing to endure whatever issue you may have to overcome and with their help you may find that your new relationship will grow stronger.
Try your best not to criticize each other over things, this can only make things worse, be constructive not destructive. Criticism will only make a person feel less of themselves or even less of the person criticizing. Don’t create a power struggle between the two of you; this will create an atmosphere that will never allow you to resolve your issues.
If you have experienced a relationship problem and would like to discover how to get past the heartache or learn how to make up and save your relationship before a break up happens, there are many proven methods that can help.
Incomplete psychological separation between mother and child, and the symptoms that can emerge from this relative state of undifferentiation, is increasingly appearing in the patients and families I treat as a common element in their histories and present lives. Co-sleeping, extended breast feeding, dependence on the mother for toileting, and marked separation anxiety are not uncommon features in this type of dyad, and often we also see some combination of impulsivity, aggression, low capacity for frustration and empathy, learning problems in school and socially, and so on, which can be organized under the general category of impoverished capacity to independently regulate affects, or feelings. Sometimes, these dyads must be treated therapeutically as a couple in parent-child psychotherapy if separation is not possible or is too traumatic for the child or the mother, a treatment which can evolve into individual therapy for the child, and perhaps also for the mother.
Almost inevitably, enmeshed mother-child dyads have a history of early trauma in either the childs and/or the mothers history. Often I have found that both mother and child experienced trauma (abuse of the mother or the child by a third party, birth trauma, adoption (traumatic loss or separation) medical illness, colic, hospitalization, post-partum depression, etc) in the childs early months and years, and occasionally this experience was a repetition of something the mother experienced in her early years with her own mother (enmeshed mother-child dyads are often passed down generationally and also culturally, i.e. these dyads may be more common in cultures where family enmeshment is the normal expectation. Enmeshment may not necessarily be the result of trauma but perhaps can also be a much sought after cultural value).
In response to this traumatic experience in the childs infancy, the mother and child cling to each other for safety they both feel much better when the other is nearby. Mutual holding physically and psychologically is normal and expected in the early months of an infants life, but due to the trauma, both mother and child experience great difficulty in separating and living more independently when the time arrives when this should normally begin to happen. Co-sleeping (and sometimes prolonged breast feeding) is usually the first sign of this occurrence, which may be followed by intense separation anxiety, clinginess, moodiness or general regressiveness, and struggles with independent toileting, eating, and so on. The most common story is that the child was irritable and intolerable of separation from the start, refused to be put down in the crib, and co-sleeping was easier and soothed the baby at once. Post-partum depression in the mother is sometimes a feature of these cases, and often the child appears to indeed have been born with a temperament that is either difficult to parent or may elicit the mothers need to remain overly close to the child.
These children usually do not get referred for psychotherapy until they begin to attend school, where impulsivity, poor frustration tolerance and capacity for empathy, aggression and separation anxiety can create serious problems for these children in learning and socializing with other children and adults. Incomplete psychological and physical separation couples with aggression and impulsivity so consistently in my experience that I have begun to more seriously contemplate the nature of this relationship
and how one thing leads to the other.
To begin, we can say that, although a feeling of safety in the infant can emerge from being very attached to its mother, when this attachment extends beyond the age when the infant or toddler might normally begin to show signs of differentiating (i.e. by sleeping alone, exploring the environment, separating upon playing with peers or going to daycare/school) the feeling of safety can turn into intense fear and dread in the absence of soothing, protective and regulating mother. We can say that because the child depends so much on the mother to help it with its feelings, that it fails to learn how to manage its own feelings in her absence, and this can only occur in her occasional absence. If the mother is never absent, but always there, the child struggles to become a self that can self-regulate feelings the child remains a self-mother and may find it challenging to fully experience the mother and the self as an autonomous person. The child shares psychological functions with the mother, such as the capacity to internally soothe itself in the face of environmental stress and maintain self control and self-cohesion (keeping it together), but outside of the presence of the mother the child functions at a much lower level, since none of the important psychological qualities it needs are his or hers alone. Mother and child may function very well as one, but not as two.
In summary, affect regulation becomes seriously compromised in the context of an enmeshed mother-child relationship, due to the sharing of vital psychological functions which are not the childs alone. This child never learned how to manage discomfort, frustration, waiting, loneliness, and so on, because the mother was always there to regulate these feelings at once. Impulsive and aggressive acting-out (in particular at school with teachers and peers) is one method children may use to express feelings of discomfort and frustration they could never truly feel or manage independently.
The second point we can make is that empathy derives at the start from the capacity to view the other person as separate from oneself. When a child experiences the mother as part of himself or herself as an extension or auxiliary self the child cannot gain an adequate appreciation of how his or her actions might impact the other, since the other does not technically exist the other is equivalent to him or her.
Empathy derives from first knowing that the other is separate and can empathize with you as a separate self this leads to thinking about and sensing what the other may feel, which leads to guilt, conscience, and so on. Not adequately understanding the mental states of others (nor the self) means you can act on the other without knowing or caring about how that feels. In my experience, this tends to stem from the child not having had someone think about how he or she felt, which could not happen since the mother and child were fused they were one. The mothers experience is the childs and vice versa. This does not mean that the mother is not loving, caring, protective, and so on. It means that the child cannot see her behaviour as hers and her thinking about him as true empathy as long as they are undifferentiated.
There is no empathy as long as there is one thing empathy is born when the concept of twoness is introduced to the infant, and twoness is introduced from the beginning of life when the infant experiences a feeling, need or frustration in the absence of the mother. The missing mother reminds the child that mother is separate and has her own needs, which forces him to empathize with her to recognize her own subjectivity – and to find a way to contain his or her own feelings and frustrations until the mother returns. That the baby’s sense of mother’s goneness is relatively consistent and not too long (i.e. the mother returns in an expected and timely way) is important in ensuring that the baby is not too traumatized and can learn to contain himself (this should be confused with Dr. Ferber’s method of permitting children to “cry it out” in isolation). Undifferentiated dyads may create children with little empathy who struggle to appreciate their own and others feeling states. These children may appear as cruel, ruthless, and generally naive and apparently careless about others feelings and ones impact on them. They may become aggressive and seem not to care and even laugh at the person they hit.
When you combine the failure to empathize, with the deficits in self-regulation mentioned previously, you may see the aggressive impulsivity that is currently so common in the field of childrens mental health, particularly when the child in introduced to school, since school makes demands on children in terms of being able to function independently, tolerate frustration, and so on, which these children struggle with in particular. Naturally there are impulsive and aggressive children who do not share an enmeshed relationship with the mother, but repeatedly when working with less differentiated dyads I have witnessed these similar histories and symptoms, which gave rise to the present contemplation.
If you really want to get back together with your ex, you need to figure out what it is that went wrong in your relationship. The 5 tips to fix a broken relationship will help you change those things and open to re-establishing things again.
Bad things happen, but there are resolutions and not every break up means the permanent end to the relationship. Before fixing a broken relationship you need to change your attitude and actions. Even after an affair, it is possible to save a relationship. Among the 5 tips to fix a broken relationship are:-
Find Out the Main Problem in your Relationship
Firstly, you must find out if your ex bored in the relationship with you and if she/he is looking for more space? Find out the reason and decide a way to change things. You need show your ex that you are the right person that she or he wants in life forever.
Show Yourself in Demand
In order to fix a broken relationship, you should show your ex that you are in demand. You must show to her that you are moving on and you are satisfied with life rather than thinking and begging her to come back to you. This will show your ex that you can be mature and happy, and it may just remind them how much they need and wants you.
Show You Can Live Without Your Ex
Let your ex start thinking how much they want to be with you. You can bring this feeling to them by going out and have some fun with your friends and show to your ex that you can live without them. You need to shift the power and psychologically use the right feelings and emotions.
Doing The Right Things
Most of relationship ended due to the lack of trust between both partners because they don’t realize that to gain trust in relationship, the partners should not only talk the right things but start doing them. Yes, which means apply the action plan, for each small promise rather than forget them after saying.
When you demonstrate that you can be trusted in the small things, a gradual sense of confidence will be realized in the larger picture of the relationship.
Learn to Apologize Your Ex
Learning to apologize your ex is one of the most important tips to fix a broken relationship. You must accept to apologize your ex more than once over time and treat the recurring comments about the violation of trust as a matter of course. If you want to stay with your ex, then you need to be patient with her/him.
Treat it as an opportunity for both of you to grow as individuals and for the relationship to mature. It requires that you change both your attitudes and actions. But it is possible to heal the divide and create a stronger relationship as a result.
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