Month: March 2024
Though many couples experience problems during the course of their relationships, it is often how they deal with those problems that will either keep them together or, break them apart. A true test of love and respect is how people treat each other when problems arise and as difficult as it might be to remain respectful toward a person that has become such a comfortable fixture in a persons life, this constant upkeep can allow for the happiest of couples, even in the worst of times.
Many people feel that relationships today undergo a great deal of stress for many reasons; the changing roles of men and women; our fast paces society; both partners having careers while trying to raise a family and many more reasons that can be seen in modern day relationships. One of the most difficult aspects of these problems is that in order to resolve them the couple needs time together. Too often people find that even while living under the same roof they dont have the time to pour into lengthy discussions and when they do it seems a waste of the precious little time they have together because they perceive it as negative. Unfortunately, not attending the underlying problems that a couple may have will not resolve them; instead they are often brought up during other arguments; cause other problems that seem unfixable because the source isnt being addressed; or simply cause the couple to live in a state of unhappiness because they both know that something is wrong.
Though it does require participation, getting to the heart of a problem does not require dwelling on it for hours at a time. In fact, a wonderful way to prepare for an important discussion is to write down your personal thoughts about it, points that you would like to cover, on your own time; this will allow for a great deal more time focused on the issues rather than wasting time trying to think of key points.
A few basic recommendations before you sit down:
Write down your most important points so that you do not become flustered and forget.
Pick a time that is convenient for both you and your partner which allows you all the time you may need.
Choose a setting in which you and your partner will feel at ease.
Dont try to discuss anything if either you or your partner is not feeling up to it; this may just prove a waste of time if you are not both open to resolving your problems.
Learning how to better communicate with each other is a difficulty most couples experience at some point in their relationship. Often, if both people involved are committed to each others happiness, no problem is too difficult to resolve.
One basic problem that seems to occur in many relationships is the routine act of taking each other for granted. This can apply to hundreds of daily tasks and activities that become habit after enough time has gone by. Taking the time to thank your partner for the effort that they put into the relationship is extremely important. Quite often, a little attention and praise can go a long way toward creating a happy environment. Constantly feeling underappreciated can cause a great deal of unnecessary stress; in many cases one partner will have no idea that the other is having these feelings. While it is the responsibility of both partners to appreciate each other, it is also important to express any feelings which might not be apparent.
A regular argument amongst couples is that one partner should have known that the other partner was unhappy; while it is good to remain attentive to how your partner is feeling; if a problem is going unnoticed it becomes the responsibility of that person to voice it so that together, the couple can figure out how to solve it. Many people choose to keep feelings or thoughts to themselves because they either have no wish to bother their partner, or would like to see their partner recognize that the problem exists without their help. Though it is understandable this kind of action often causes more problems and leads to a pattern of behavior that divides the couple, rather than allowing them to get closer.
Many more problems exist that can cause unhappy situations for one or both people in a relationship and because of the unique dynamics so many people share it can be difficult to apply general solutions to a specific problem; however, here some key points, and recap, that seem to work for almost every couple in a wide variety of situations:
Discuss your feelings openly and be respectful of your partners as well.
Feeling comfortable does not excuse a person from taking another for granted; remember to treat your partner with respect and to show appreciation for their part in the relationship.
Voice your opinion; do not expect your partner to anticipate every thought you have; communication is an essential for any good relationship.
Be attentive to your partners needs and feelings.
Dont let problems divide you as a couple; find solutions together as a team.
Remember that you chose one another; even in the most horrible situations you should be able to work things out as long as you both care about each others happiness.
As long as there remains between you the will to provide a happy, safe and caring life for one another, stress can be kept to a minimum; allowing for your relationship to remain a successful one despite any difficulties that you face.
The only investors staying the course are those with a broken compass.”
— from an ad for BNY Mellon
When I saw this ad it immediately made me think about people who enter and/or stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships. Some people seem to have a broken Relationship Compass. They enter relationships with people they shouldn’t be with or they stay in relationships they shouldn’t stay in. Let’s look at some of the reasons this happens.
The family that you grew up in might have set a model for relationships that isn’t a good model. It could be a family where there was violence, hostility, intimidation, alcoholism, etc. If this is what you grew up with, then this is what you might consider “normal” or inevitable. If that’s the case, then you could tolerate, accept, or expect such unhealthy things to exist in your own relationships.
The culture that you grew up in could have taught you to expect or tolerate things that shouldn’t exist in a healthy relationship — like sexism, alcoholism, violence, etc. In this case, even if you recognize what’s wrong, you may consider those things the “natural” or inevitable components of relationships.
The family or culture that you grew up in might have told you that leaving relationships is unacceptable, intolerable, unforgivable, or immoral. In this case, even if you figure out that the relationship is a bad place to be, you may believe that you must not or cannot leave it.
Cultures in which obedience or submission are values, particularly in women, give the intentional message that the vows are unconditional, and that there is no justification ever for terminating them, since decision-making isn’t within your power.
Cultures or religions in which the vows are considered unconditional compacts make it clear that terminating a relationship is unacceptable without exception. This can be a moral or religious issue where there is never a justification for “breaking a solemn promise”.
Families sometimes say, explicitly, things like, “You made your bed; now lie in it.” In this case the belief is that choices are irrevocable and that mistakes are uncorrectable. There is even a message, explicit or implicit, that you should be punished for having made a mistake.
There could be compelling reasons to stay even if you feel it’s an unhealthy place to be.
If you believe (accurately or erroneously) that you can’t support yourself or your children if you leave a bad relationship, you may feel you must stay. This consideration sometimes trumps any consideration for the toxic quality for you or your children of remaining permanently in an unhealthy situation.
If you fear retribution if you even attempt to leave, then staying may feel safer than leaving. Even with the increasing availability of sanctuaries for people who leave abusive situations, not everyone is convinced that safety can be ensured if they leave.
If you fear that you will be rejected by extended family, friends, or society if you leave, you may stay because you fear ostracism from your support system. It can feel safer, and even more comfortable, to remain in an unhealthy situation and retain your social network than it would be to leave and be isolated socially.
Sometimes people believe that the natural course of relationships involves phases during which the relationship is not good or positive and that this is just the way it is, either temporarily or as a permanent evolution of the relationship.
If this is a temporary situation AND it is addressed by one or both partners, that’s not necessarily troublesome or a reason to consider exiting the relationship.
If it’s been an increasingly negative trajectory, this should not be assumed to be the natural course of relationships. Healthy relationships get BETTER over time, not worse. As partners mature and as they increasingly learn how to be better partners, healthy relationships grow stronger, more positive, and more loving. (Sometimes that’s because there was in fact a rough patch that they navigated in healthy and growthful ways.)
Serious relationships deserve serious consideration and substantial effort before they’re terminated. I am not advocating precipitous action to terminate a relationship because there’s a rocky moment or even problematic behavior or interaction.
I am suggesting that for some people, because of history, training, or personality, or because of fear, loyalty, or unreasoning hope, sometimes the Relationship Compass points IN when it should, more self-respectfully, point OUT.